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Dear Stella,

I forgive you for every single mistake you did in your relationship with Bernard, for not fully expressing your love for him, for not trusting him, and for letting him go. You are just a human being and you are subject to making mistakes and errors. You do not need to be perfect in order for me to love you. Your relationship with Bernard is just an example of the challenges which you have been given on Earth by God. You will meet the challenge and grow by handling the pain and hurt you feel because of your past relationship with Bernard over to God to take it off your shoulders. You don’t need to be so burdened by the pain and hurt you feel because of your past relationship. You are a good person and I love you. You deserve my understanding, compassion, and forgiveness. You deserve to come out from behind the wall you have built around yourself as a result of your past relationship with Bernard. Hand the wall over to God so you can become more visible to me and others. I love seeing you, talking to you, and listening to you. You have within you all you need to grow in self-esteem, self-confidence, self-respect, and self-deservedness. There is nothing you have ever done that can’t be forgiven by me. You did the best you could knowing what you did at the time. You have compulsive and impulsive habitual ways of acting which you are working to change. You may have slip ups again but as long as you get back on the wagon of recovery and keep on trying that’s good enough for me. You no longer need to condemn yourself for your past relationship. You are forgive. I love you and I’m so happy to have you in my life. You and I are best friends and together we will gain strength by giving all our past hurt, pain, self-anger, and self-hatred over to God. I feel lighter as we talk because I feel the burden of the hurt, pain, and guilt over our relationship with Bernard lifting from my shoulders. I see you holding your head up and standing taller as I forgive you for our past relationship with Bernard. I know that God has forgiven you and I feel the peace and serenity of letting go of the need to hold on to the relationship anymore. I forgive you because you deserve to be forgiven. No one needs to hold onto such a burden for so long. You deserve a better life than you have been giving yourself. Let go of your past relationship with Bernard and know that you are forgiven. You are a lovable, capable, special person and I promise to continue to work on letting go of hurt and pain from the past which has been preventing your inner healing and self-growth.

 

Love,

Yourself.

Self Forgiveness.

 

When I first broke up with Bernard for the last time, I strongly felt that it was the best decision. I was lead to believe that he was half-hearted towards our relationship because he had always had his parents and other girls at the back of his mind. However, things started to change when I realized that I won’t be seeing him for the next year and when we do meet, it’s going to be different. We texted each other and I came to visit him days before he left and right before he left; we became close to each other again. I could never forget how good that felt and I didn’t want to let it go. But he did. He knew it was wrong and he finally had the heart to cut it completely. Although I was at a weaker state than before, I was still okay because I was so distracted with my new life and I knew we’re still friends even if we’re not talking. He emailed me a while after and we chatted if we were both online. But then this stopped and it almost seemed as if he didn’t want to know me anymore; he ignored my “happy birthday” to his mom and replied my birthday wish to him coldly. I also found pictures of him with the girl I’ve always thought he wanted. But the more important part is how I blame myself for this.

 

For the last month or two, I couldn’t help but think he was the best guy out there for me and that I was so stupid to let him go. It all started when my sister told me that she doesn’t think I will ever find anyone better than him. I was devastated and I said what I believed was true, that everything happens for a reason and God is good. I used to wholeheartedly believe that if we broke up, it’s because there is someone else that’s better suited for us out there. But Bernard made me think that it’s not always the case during our past discussions. I’m now lead to believe that I am to blame for us and that maybe I’ve let my future husband go. 

 

During our relationship, I always expected more from him and I was shy in admitting and expressing how much I love him. I figured this is why I can’t seem to forgive myself. I would never be brave enough to tell him I wanted him to stay because I didn’t want him to stay against his will, but sometimes it’s just because he wants me to say it that he leaves. I would also blame myself for not trusting him enough and for not expressing my love better. 

 

However, despite all of this, I have come to write this to help me forgive myself. I want to forgive myself because relationships are a two way street; we broke up not only because of me, but also because Bernard let me go. Although I may have catalyzed some things, so did he. I also want to forgive myself because I have suffered too much and that deep down, I still believe that God is good and I will end up with the God-given person that suits me the most. 

 

I want to forgive myself and let the past go because I understand that there is nothing I can do about the past, but I can let it go. I have suffered too much because I can’t forgive myself; I have become a less amiable person and I’ve also become careless about many other things. I need to let this go.

 

I have forgiven myself before for many reasons, for going against my parents, making bad decisions, eating too much, and many other things. I feel much better after forgiving myself because although the results of my act are still there, I no longer feel guilty or burdened. I want to be free; I want to forgive myself.

 

I have come to realize that breaking up with Bernard is just one of these things that I am able to forgive myself for; it’s just like breaking mom’s favorite salad dish, we’ve both moved past it. 

There comes a point where you miss someone so much that you can hear their voice echo in your head. And you can hear the names that they used to call you, the words they used to tell you. You memorized their laugh, their smile, & their silly ways. You can also feel their arms around you & you don’t want to let go even though you know it’s just an illusion. Every time your phone rings, you smile because it’s them that’s calling. Every time you hear their name, your heart beats 100 times faster and sometimes, you can’t even breathe. You knew that looking back on the tears would make you laugh, but you never knew that looking back on the laughs would also make you cry. All you want is to go back in time. Not to the time that you first met, to the time that you were known as nothing, but strangers. But no matter what, you’re in denial. You hide your feeling so no one would know. You put on a fake smile and don’t let a single tear break through. You’re so used to hiding your feelings that you don’t even realize the pain you’re causing for yourself. Your thoughts becomes invisible. It’s still there, but no ones knows. Like a love letter you didn’t slow. And you’re hurting no one but yourself.
(via poeticheartache)
Because he has been a major part of your life, of course you’ll miss him; it’s perfectly normal. It’s like getting a tooth pulled out; after the dentist pulls it out you’re relieved. But how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was? Probably a hundred times a day.Just because it was hurting you does not mean you don’t notice it. It leaves a gap, & sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It’s going to take awhile, but it takes time. Should you have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing you pain. Pulling the tooth was the right decision, but it’s going to hurt.
(via poeticheartache)
You began to cry; just crying. The deep and ugly kind, the kind you lose yourself in, though you’re thanking God that no one has to see how rubbed and blotched your face becomes. Though some detached part of you also wishes there was someone there to see you now, to see and understand just how sad you are at heart. They don’t see it, and of course, you would never show them that side of you.
(via poeticheartache)
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